Category Archives: Sex Work

Pro Domme, Sex Work

So You Wanna Be A Pro-Domme

So you’re thinking about getting into sex work and working as a Pro-Domme? You’ve always been interested or rather fascinated  in the  mysterious and alluring fetish world and have spent more then a few evenings in your local fetish and goth clubs checking everything out and you know you’d just be great at Dominating men for fat stacks of easy money. It’s not as easy as you think and many hopefuls have gotten nowhere fast by not thinking it through. Here are somethings to remember if you think being a Dominatrix is in your future.

1.  Have skill

Being a Domme is more then just looking good in latex, you need to have actual skill. Take a mental inventory of your abilities and be honest. It’s best not to offer strict shabari bondage or suspension if you don’t know what the fuck you are doing. If you are great at trash talking then maybe mental domination is your thing, if you have amazing flexible feet then think about foot fetish, if you have experience in OTK spanking then do that. Remember the goal might be to cause pain or discomfort but you never want to cause harm. If you don’t feel you have fetish skills in your arsenal to hang out a shingle then its time to invest in some classes, they exist!

2. Look good

One of the big turn on for clients is the look of the Dominatrix he’s seeing. It doesn’t mean you have to have a perfect body, or a 50K wardrobe but you should be pulled together ad have a few things to wear in sessions that make you look amazing and intimidating. Maybe your speciality is OTK spanking then you might want to cultivate a 1950’s  headmistress look, think about what your offering and think about how that should translate into your Dominatrix persona.

3.  Getting the client off

Lets just admit it, clients go see a Domme because it turns them on. What ever their predilection is it’s because they get a sexual charge out of it and they want to get off to whatever that is. Now how this happens is totally up to you and you should know your boundaries going into it. Most clients jerk themselves off towards the end of the session at the direction of the Domme.  Some Dommes offer strap on services (fucking your client in the ass with a dildo, yeah that is prostitution) I know you heard  that being a Dominatrix meant no sex and you’ve read all the hundreds of disclaimers on many a Dommes website saying they are not prostitutes.  Though I do know of a Domme or two who will actually fuck their clients most don’t offer intercourse, many never even take their shinny latex clothes off.   Almost all allow their clients to get off in one way or another because seeing a dominatrix is a sexual experience. It’s up to you to chose how far your willing to go. Remember to protect yourself if you decide to offer more sexually based services. Person to person contact will almost always put you in the same realm as escorts by law enforcement and you need to take precautions

Jenny DeMilo: Dominatrix, former GFE Escort, Fetish Clip Producer and Hypno-Domme

 

Clips, Marketing, Sex Work

Make more money from fetish clips

So  your making fetish clips but feeling a little lost on what kind of clips you should be making moving forward. Should you specialize in chastity, financial domination or foot fetish? It’s hard to know exactly and even though you might think one niche is the obvious nice for you, it may turn out its not. Trying to force success in a niche that’s not responding to you can be very frustrating and extremely disappointing. Disappointing enough to give it up all together because you’re not succeeding as you hoped you would be. You don’t want to do that, you don’t want to give up. You want to make a workable plan for yourself and make the most out of your new fetish clip business. Here are some things you can try to help you be more successful making fetish clips.

1. Assess what you are willing to do on camera.

Maybe you never want to take your close off or you don’t want to show your face. Maybe you are not a thin as a rail, or you have great trash talking skills? Think about what it is you will and wont do on camera and remember a camera is forever. Think about what you do and do not possess, think about what you will and will not do. Take inventory of yourself. Will you show your boobs, perform sex acts or hide your face. You don’t have to do anything you are not comfortable with, there are women who are highly successful who never take off a lick of clothing. They are also have amazingly ho,t perfect bodies, are super glamorous women with great ideas and the ability to key in on a specific fantasy. Think about your limits and your assets and how that can lend its self to making clips.

2. Make more of what works.

Look at your sales, what did you sell last month? Foot clips? Domination POV? Chastity? Smoking? Whatever it was make more of that. If you sold more smoking clips then foot fetish clips then make 10 more smoking clips. Smoking in the shower, smoking in a fancy dress, smoking in a bikini, smoking POV, smoking very close up, smoking from a distance ignoring the viewer. You get the idea. Make them until you want to puke and cant stat to make another fucking smoking clip. Push yourself, make yourself make that batch of smoking clips. Then set them to upload though out the month. Watch your smoking fetish fan base expand. Don’t ignore the other kind of clips, just heavily focus on whats been working.

3. Join fetish forums

Google the fetish you’re making clips in and join the forum for that fetish. Trust me there’s a forum for everything. Find it. Then create a profile, add a picture and links to your clip store to it and  then introduce yourself. Interact with the people there. It doest have to be all involved just once a week go back to the forum and find a way to participate and remember to be nice! You’re building a fan base. You want to be a little accessible and you want people to click your links and become customers. Protip: keep a folder of your forums logins in your bookmarks makes it a lot easier to remember

4. Add at least one new fetish every time you film

Add something new and see if people respond to it. I once made “I cant believe the crap you freaks jerk off to” and people actually bought it! Now they didn’t buy it enough for me to make more then that one clip and it was kind of a joke but throw in a  new fetish you never thought about before. Expand your horizons. Look at the list of fetishes available on your clip site and then do something new every time you film. It might surprise you how you can then develop that into a brand new niche and money stream for yourself.

The most important thing is to keep at it persistence and hard work to pay off. You can make a good living making clips. While its true the porn stars are always going to make more money then the small niche specialist that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t  pursue what works for you and fits in with your comfort level.

Jenny DeMilo: Dominatrix, former GFE Escort, Fetish Clip Producer and Hypno-Domme

Escorting, Self Care, Sex Work

Staying Grounded As An Escort

It’s hard to stay grounded, you can easily get wrapped up in our job and with many other jobs (think lawyer or member of the White House staff) you can lose yourself in your job. That’s not good for your escorting career, your well being and can turn you into a person no one wants to be around. It happens fast and its insidious and if you don’t take care and take steps you will find yourself being that person and climbing out of the hole you dug for yourself which is  a lot harder then avoiding the hole to begin with. As escorts we are often saying and by that I mean screaming from the roof tops that we are more then our jobs, that we are real living breathing humans with many facets. Escort activists want people to take our jobs seriously and for us not to be punch lines. Lets make that easier for them by staying grounded, sane and not feeding into the stereotype. Some simple steps escorts can take to help stay grounded

1. Have friends out side of the business

Yes, I know its hard. Its much easier to hide the the safe zone of all my friends be they online or in person are sex workers or clients. Don’t fall into that trap. Yes, other sex workers understand you better then civvies but when you wrap your self up in that flag, you do yourself and those around you a disservice. People outside of sex work have real things to offer you like making sure you don’t forget that other people have struggles and that not everything is about you. When my friend the bartender had to deal with a very bad work situation where she was sexually harassed and threatened and her rent was due I realized that my 600 buck client that moved our date to the following week wasn’t such a travesty. Yes, as escorts we have specific challenges but other people have challenges too, many harder then ours.

2. Watch the news once in a while

Watch the news so you know whats going on int he world. Not only will it help your life prospective but it has the added bonus of helping you to sound current in conversations with clients (or others). It makes you look  like you understand the world, you might even learn a few things.

3. Save money

If you have a good week, don’t go out and blow all your cash on a pair of Louboutins or Manolo’s. Seriously don’t spend your hard earned money on frivolous bullshit. Put that money away and save it. Save it for when you don’t have a good week or for when you want to take a vacation or because even though your really loving your life as an escort now, money in the bank will give you options in the future. Don’t blow that opportunity because of shoes or status bullshit like a Fendi bag.

4. Do something to expand your skills that’s not business related

Take a class, volunteer, learn a new skill. You wont always want to be a sex worker and learning new things will help you in the future. Like to write? Take a creative writing class. Love how smart your dog is, take him to agility training classes, always had a thing for numbers take a statistics seminar. Register for print making classes at th local JC, take a sewing class, a TV production class anything that will expand your horizons. It not only will help you to be present in the world but you walk away with a new skill.

5. Get a hobby

Swim with sharks, ride a horse, collect stamps, sculpt. The field is wide open when it comes to hobbies. Find something that interests you and then just do it. You’ll meet new people who you have something in common with thats not work related. You’ll  learn new things! Your new hobby is just for you to enjoy, it will make you a better person and help keep you connected to the outside world.

Jenny DeMilo: Dominatrix, GFE Escort, Fetish Clip Producer and Hypno-Domme

Self Care, Sex Work

5 Strategies for Dealing With Burnout

This is a “do as I say, not as I do” post. I basically disappeared from the internet for a while, and hadn’t even realized how exhausted I was. Like, existentially exhausted. I was incapable of doing much else besides compulsively read romance novels on my couch. It turns out that flying across the country on the regular for a few months, working 3 jobs at any given time (especially when not all of them pay!), and trying to lead a semi-normal grown up life will take a toll on the body and mind. Who would have thought, huh? Burn out is especially important for sex workers to recognize and have strategies for. Our work is especially emotionally taxing, especially with the added pressures of social stigma and shame that we bear. Many of us have to deal with it from time to time. Here are some strategies I’ve learned from NOT utilizing them. It seems like common sense, but is amazingly hard when you’re in the thick of it.

1. Recognize  – the sooner you see burn out (or sickness, depression, injury, or whatever you’re struggling with) for what it is, the sooner you can address it effectively. Not sure why you’re angry or unhappy? Check in with someone who knows you well. Jenny told me months ago that I was putting too much pressure on myself and working like a crazy person. I should have listened to her. (#ProTip: Jenny is always right, and the world would run more smoothly if people listened to her).

2. Break – If you can afford to, stop working for a while. This is much easier if you’ve managed to save some funds for just such an occasion, which I highly recommend. Doing sex work while you’re desperate or unhappy is especially miserable, and can even be dangerous. Or even just unfeasible as clients can sense insincerity and generally won’t spend as much money when you’re unhappy with your work. This is obviously not a viable option for everyone, but if you have the opportunity take it.

Stuffed Pumpkin with homemade bread chunks, gruyere cheese, herbs, lentils, and pepitas.

3. Cook – One of the biggest red flags that I’m not doing well is the loss of my appetite. Usually I can eat a prodigious amount at any given moment, but when I’m not healthy (physically or emotionally) I stop eating. Cooking, and taking the time to cook elaborate meals, is something I enjoy and forces me to take care of basic nutritional needs. I’ll be damned if I let a meal that’s taken a couple hours is going to go to waste, whether I feel like eating or not. Plus, routines can be immensely comforting, even if it’s as small as eating dinner every night.

4. Brag – Sometimes taking a shower, sending an email, or putting on pants can be a major victory in the day. And sharing those accomplishments can feel damn good. Miss Darling and I started texting each other occasionally with our achievements, and the results were pretty amazing. Knowing that someone is cheering you on can be immensely empowering. And validation of your work, no matter how small you may think it is, feels fucking great.

5. Cuddle – If you don’t have a pet, borrow someone else’s. My turtle, Walter, isn’t very cuddly, so I went to go visit the cat I lived with for several years (who now lives with my old roommate). There are scientific studies that indicate pets are good for therapy, and anecdotally I can say that it’s definitely true. Find a cuddly friend, get your snuggle pants on, and get down to some fluffy nuzzle business!

Duchess got fat over the past few years. But still as warm and purry and beautiful as ever!

 

For those more visually oriented – or need a constant reminder above your desk – I recommend this adorable poster with good advice from Annie Sprinkle. It echoes a lot of what I had to say, because this is not a new problem, but has illustrations of naked ladies to back it up.

How To Cure Sex Worker Burn Out Poster (PDF)

Lauren Kiley: Webcam Girl, Fetish Performer, Fetish Clip Producer, Former Escort, Activist, Dirty Girl Next Door.

Clips, Fetish Model, Sex Work, Time Management, Webcam

You Can’t Do It All At Once

A lot of my model and pro domme friends jokingly tell me I do too much, which is probably true, but at the same time it isn’t. I’m one of those girls who not only maintains a full time, 9-5 vanilla day job, gets at least 8 hours of sleep a night and works as a model full time, which involves everything from marketing to booking to shooting to editing. It’s taken me a while, but I’ve finally learned how to manage my time to best adapt to my busy lifestyle. So here are a few times for successfully managing your time:

  1. Know Your Limits. I don’t mean what you will and will not do, I mean what you can and cannot do both mentally and physically. I stress out easily if I do not live within my limits, which can be anything from not getting enough sleep to overbooking myself. I make a point of going to bed around the same time each night so that I can get at least 8 hours of sleep. I also make a point of having at least one day a week that is My day; no friends, no modeling work, nothing except what I choose to do. Working outside my limits has caused me to lose jobs because I’m too stressed out to do them.
  2. Keep a written calendar. Sure, your phone and computer have calendars built in, but the physical aspect of writing something down is bound to help you remember. For me, once it is written down, it is committed to memory. If someone asks me if I’m free to work on a specific date, I tend to know without having to look it up whether I’m available or not.
  3. Set a schedule. I work a 9-5 day job, so my day job schedule is set. I also schedule when I shoot and how long I’ll be shooting for. For example, maybe Tuesday is my filming day for myself. I know that every single Tuesday from 7-8 or 7-9, I will be shooting clips. Since I’ve planned that in advance, I come up with ideas in advance. Or maybe as a webcam model, you know your busiest hours are from 7pm-midnight, so that’s when you work. If you keep the same schedule as a cam model, people will know when to expect you, which pays off big time once you have regulars.
  4. Plan things out. Are you a traveling sex worker? Plan in advance to not only save you time but also money. Book work in advance! Don’t wait for the last minute and hope that something comes up. I hate to tell you this, but just because you work on a “I’ll wait until last minute” or a spontaneous schedule, doesn’t mean the rest of the world does too.
  5. Don’t get distracted. If you plan on webcamming from 7-10pm, do it. If you plan on shooting clips for 2 hours, do it. Don’t let emails or the interwebs or tv distract you. I’ll let you in on a secret…They will still be there when you’re done.

There is no easy way to figure out how to best manage your time. I had a huge anxiety attack over how stressed out I was before I really figured out how to manage my time. It paid off though. Since then, I haven’t been stressed out over my time, I get things done and I still have free time for me. Nobody is going to manage their time the same, but once you figure out what works for you, stick to it!

Sydney Screams: Fetish Model, Clip Producer, Adult Actress, Radio Talk Show Host