Category Archives: Self Care

Escorting, Internet, Self Care, Sex Work

Stalkers how to avoid them what to do when they target you

stalker1Stalkers suck thats a fact. Its also the most common problem ( besides law enforcement) that escorts have to deal with. In fact most sex workers from strippers to pro Dommes, from cam girls to adult actors will at one point have a brush with a stalker. Sometimes its not a very serious threat and its someone just making small amounts of trouble for attention.  Sometimes it can cost you your life. Its hard to tell which is which so you want to treat all stalkers like its a serious threat and take the appropriate action. You want to avoid stalkers whenever possible and if (when) you are unfortunate enough to have one intrude on your life you want to take appropriate action to minimize their effect on your life.

Some things you can do to help you avoid a stalker.

Never tell a client your real name

This should be a no brainer but its sadly not. Never tell a client your real name. Also never tell anyone you might suspect of not being trustworthy your real name. They might turn around and tell a client. Example: An escort friend of mine was dating a man who used to see escorts. I socialized with them and they both knew my real name.  When they broke up he began harassing me (hello crazy). He knew my real name and used that to his advantage to try and scare me. I’ts best to have a fake real name, something everyone thinks is your real name that isn’t. This isn’t always possible but keeping the number of people who know you are a sex worker and in turn know your real name is something to strive for.

Clients press sex workers for their real names. It makes them feel special/powerful to be the person you gave your real name too. Don’t be tempted. Give them your fake real name, something you can easily remember and that you go to all the time. Make it plain and simple. Pick a name thats very common so if a client wants to Google the name you gave him it returns 500,00 “Maria Garcics” or “Ashley Johnsons” (Protip: pick a fake real name that a minor celebrity already has to increase the Google returns on your fake name)

Disinformation

Don’t give out too many personal details about yourself. If you are a current college student don’t tell them that. If you are a former college student and you use that in your marketing then never tell anyone the real college you went to. In fact make up a different degree you got. If you were a history major at Rutgers tell clients you were a English major at USC. If you are from the mid-west and have an accent from that region then tell people you are from a neighboring state. Make your answers reasonable but make them fake. Its hard when you spend so much time with clients not to slip up so make a fake history that closely resembles your own history but doesn’t give any clues that could lead back to finding the real you.  Give them clues to finding nothing. Disinformation is a sex workers best friend if you’re worried about stalkers.

Don’t do incall appointments out of your home

This one can be tricky because renting an incall location is expensive but don’t be tempted by the cash you can save. Never let a client know where you live and that’s impossible if you see them in  your home. It only takes one crazy to make your life a living hell. You also have the added bonus if you encounter the law doing incall out of your home they can confiscate pretty much anything as “evidence”. At a hotel or professional dungeon etc you don’t have items that can be taken from you, you only have what you bring in. Wanna know how often you get confiscated items back? Not very.

Never let a client walk you to your car

They can and will right down the make model and license number.  That goes for meet and greets too. Don’t let people see you get in or out of your car. Though motor vehicles deparments records are supposed to be hard to access, they are a lot more accessible then you think. Park your car around the corner from an outcall, valet the car at a hotel, take public transportation if its possible.

Lock down your social media

Social media is all the rage but how much of it do you really need as a sex worker. Figure that out. Use what works for you and disregard the rest. Do you really need a hooker Pinterest, Instagram and Twitter? If you use Twitter in your regular life don’t have a hooker twitter, its too easy to make a mistake and accidentally tweet on the wrong stream. Facebook is its own animal they use facial recognition software and well display your hooker Facebook to your non hooker friends ” Do you know inset hooker name here” Facebook’s TOS and privacy change so often that its really not worth having it.

If you have non work related social media, lock it down. Make your Twitter private. Make sure your Facebook is private and all the information along with it (what groups you’re in, who your friends are etc) Do not use a picture of your face as the icon. Don’t use posted pictures across social media. Example don’t post the same picture of your cute dog in your hooker Twitter stream and on your personal Facebook. Also turn off your geo-location… on everything!

Those are a few things you can do to avoid being in a position to be stalked in the first place. However if a stalker takes an interest in you, how you react to him is critical. Sometimes a stalker just wants you feel scared and they will threaten to out you. To family, friends, co-workers, the IRS. Sometimes they threaten and are intent on actual harm. If at anytime you feel physically threatened then its imperative you call the authorities ASAP.

Do not engage

This is hard because you will want to tell them to fuck off but do not engage them. Do not give them attention, delete ignore, delete ignore is your mantra. Do not give them any attention, nothing, nada, zip. Stalkers want your attention. They want to scare you, they want to know they are having an effect on you, some want to hurt you. They often escalate if you give them attention. They can get emboldened with even the slightest drop of attention. That’s not to say they wont escalate if you ignore them they may but often a casual stalker, someone who just wants to cause you some trouble will move on if he doesn’t get the rise out of you he wants.

Document

Screen shots, saved emails, saved letters, if the harassment has already intruded on your life beyond online into the physical then keep a diary/journal if everything thats happening no matter how insignificant it is. Remember to date and time everything. Be diligent.

Investigate:

Who could be stalking you? figure it out. Narrow it down. If you did appointments out of your house and you get threats sent to you in the mail make a list of who knows your address. If its someone who references something you said on twitter/facebook and your work twitter/facebook is private make a list of who it could be. Cross references the lists. Often stalkers will give themselves away in the details. Pay attention to them. You can often figure out who’s stalking you and that will help you asses how serious the threat is.

Move: 

If you are being harassed where you live then it might be time to move. That sucks i know but your safey is important. If you did incall out of your home and you are being stalked then its time to move out of there. Get a PO box if you move and have all your mail forwarded there not to the new address. Stalkers can be clever, I heard of one who had their victims mail re-routed to their address. For reals. Keep your new location secret. Don’t tweet what city you live in, don’t put your city on your Facebook.

Report to the authorities

Stalking is crime and many cities have anti-stalking laws already on the books. Yours might or it might not but its still a crime and if you are being physically threatened then you need to report this. This will be hard because often LE will not look favorably on you and will try to dismiss you out of hand. Be persistent. Take a friend with you, someone who can advocate for you if you need it. Someone to give you moral support as you tell the police about your stalking. The trick here is you MUST be honest with them. You have to let them know you are a sex worker. This too will not be easy. You may be judged.. harshly. However your safety matters and you must take all steps to protect yourself. Where I live theres a well known officer of the law that actually works with sex workers on these types of issues. There might be one in your city as well. You will want to bring all your documentation with you. If you have figured out who your stalker is then you will want to investigate getting a TRO (temporary restraining order) You will need documentation for this as well, you will need to appear credible. Speak clearly to the officer/judge. Wear a business suit and look professional. Don’t give them any excuse to dismiss you and not take your issue seriously. Because it is serious.

Resources:

http://www.victimsofcrime.org/our-programs/stalking-resource-center

http://www.stalkinghelpline.org/

http://www.novabucks.org/otherinformation/stalking/

http://www.womenshealth.gov/violence-against-women/types-of-violence/stalking.html

I have been stalked/harassed both as an escort and in my regular life. As much as it caused me emotional distress, I was fortunate enough that my stalker(s) only wished to cause me trouble and it never went further then that. If you are stalked be prepared to be outed. Often this threat is what the stalker uses to harass you. Know that this could happen and prepare yourself for your friends and family knowing about your profession if they don’t already. Prepare yourself that this could go further and at some point you may have to report this stalking. Take all threats seriously. Do whatever you need to do to protect yourself that includes setting yourself up not to be stalked in the first place.

Jenny DeMilo: Dominatrix, Hypno-Domme and former GFE Escort

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Clips, Fetish Model, Internet, Self Care, Sex Work

Before You Get Naked On The Internet…

imageOnline based sex work, such as fetish clips and webcamming, is attractive for a lot of reasons. It can be done with just a webcam and an internet connection. You can do it in the comfort of your own home. And you can have as much or as little contact with clients as you want.

But that doesn’t mean it’s all lying around in cozy lingerie and watching the sales emails roll in. It’s WORK.

In the past couple years I’ve helped a lot of people set up their first fetish clips studios. More accurately – I’ve given a lot of people the lessons & tools to do so, complete with filming their first clips. But I’ve also gone out of my way to help people who haven’t done their homework. And that’s not cool. It’s a waste of my time and theirs. This is a guide I rather accidentally compiled from emails I’ve sent to people asking the same questions.

These are the things you need to do BEFORE you open your studio and BEFORE you come to me or Sydney to help you get up and running. We’ve talked a lot about making money filming clips. But we’ve been catering to people already in sex work or perform as fetish models in some capacity. This is more basic. These are the things you need to do FIRST.

1. Choose a hooker name. Don’t even talk to me about filming until you know what you want to call you on camera and the name of your store. Take your time, because you’re kind of stuck with it, but figure it out.

This is also a good place to start developing your Hooker Persona. For a lot of people it’s a fairly organic process, but it’s worth putting some thought into. Are you an evil cunt who lives to cause pain? Sexual being of pure energy whose kink transcends gender? A deliberately generic horny slut who likes getting off on camera. A lot of this will be determined by how your clients perceive you, and will evolve over time, but having a basic idea of how you want to present yourself is helpful.

2. What do you want to do? What are you willing to do? Live webcamming? Filming porn? Filming fetish porn? Check out the major sites –  www.streamate.com, www.niteflirt.com, and of course, www.clips4sale.com. See what it takes and what it looks like. Browse the categories. See what sells. See where you might fit in. Then think about what you want to do in greater detail, and perhaps just as importantly, what you DON’T want to do.

I can’t emphasize boundaries enough. They will be pushed consistently and often unexpectedly. Common requests include: nudity, masturbation, anal play/sex, sex toys, tickling, sucking of toes, domination, submission, gay humiliation, racial humiliation, peeing, filming/camming with other people, and some things you never would have imagined. It’s much easier to navigate if you have set your personal boundaries ahead of time.

The #1 priority is to take care of yourself – which will be more emotionally centered with solitary digital based work. Pushing your boundaries out of desperation can lead to extremely dangerous situations. That’s a totally privileged position and there’s a lot of political shit inherent in saying that, but highly applicable to the majority our audience here. Don’t put up with shit you’re not ok with just because you might make a few bucks off of it.

3. Do the paperwork. If you’re not ok with sites like the aforementioned having your legal information or records of your income, stop now. Otherwise, get yourself to a scanner or fax machine. Fill out their forms. Scan your IDs. Send in your tax forms. Whatever else it takes to get approved (it’s been a while… I don’t remember the specifics.) It usually takes a couple days to get approved, but you can keep working to be ready for launch while you wait!

4. How out are you ok being? Are you ok showing your face? Are you ok with your parents, friends, co-workers, future lovers, or future employers finding out? Or at least prepared for that possibility? Once your image hits the internet, especially in a sexy porny context, you can pretty much consider it immortalized. There’s no going back. You can get a lot of distance and erase as much as possible… but the internet has a long memory.

5. Know the Deal. In my experience the money I make from online based sex work is directly proportional to the time and effort I put into it. This is a slow burn kind of field. Each clip you sell will earn you about $3-$5 on average, but that can start to really add up over time. You may have 4 shitty hours on cam and then have an hour long private that rains tips on you. And either way you usually won’t see that money immediately unless you’re working independently, which I know too little about to give good advice on.

Payouts for clips sites generally happen monthly. Cam sites generally pay either weekly or bi-weekly. Are you able to sustain yourself on that? And both will take a significant percentage of your total sales. Look up how much and set your prices accordingly.

It takes both hard work and a bit of patience. It takes a while to build a customer base, especially in a niche market. You won’t make a boat load of money quickly. But you can lay the foundation for sustainable and relatively passive income down the line.

Congratulations! You made it this far! You’ve set up your studio/cam profile and are ready to start earning those sweet paychecks! Now get your sexy butt/feet/mouth on camera!

And while you’re editing / updating come back here and read these:

4 Easy Ways To Increase Your Clip Sales

Dealing With Rolls While Camming Part 1

Make More Money From Fetish Clips

Consistency Is Key

Lauren Kiley: Webcam Girl, Fetish Performer, Fetish Clip Producer, Former Escort, Activist, Dirty Girl Next Door.

Community, Self Care

I Can Tell That We Are Going To Be Friends

lovewhoreIt’s about to get real kumbaya in here. Roll your eyes all you want, but I stand by this.

Make friends with other sex workers. And make your friends a priority.

This will do more than save your sanity, it will improve your life immeasurably.

Most other jobs have some sort of workplace socialization or at the very least, interactions with your colleagues, in place. But sex work can be lonely, isolating, and confusing. Not only do people outside the industry not understand what you do for work, but they have preconceived notions and judgments to work through as well. And those friends are lovely and valuable as well.

But sometimes you need to be around people who intimately understand the work part of your life. You need to vent and bitch about work without having to explain yourself. You need to celebrate small successes along the way that your colleagues can relate to. You need to be able to laugh about your job.

Your friends will help keep you grounded and keep things in perspective. And that happens not just because they’re there for you, but because you give back to them. Listening to others’ stories and challenges within the sex industries can be powerful lessons.

I throw the words “solidarity” and “community” around a lot. But the places I’ve found them to be strongest have been through my friendships with other sex workers.

It’s not always in the grand gestures (though sometimes it is that too). It’s having drinks and laughing together about an absurd session. It’s crying on their shoulders when the internalized ho-shame crashes down on you for no reason. It’s listening sympathetically to them rage when they accidentally stumble on an anti-sex work blog and hate read it all morning.

It’s dreaming up a website to combat all the bad advice out there over margaritas. And then making it happen.

Naturally, I think that if sex workers had more resources to come together, support each other, and combine forces, we could solve a good deal of the worlds’ problems. I also think that we can start working on all that over brunch with copious amounts of muffins and champagne. That’s sort of the cornerstone of my politics.

Not convinced? Oh fine, you selfish bitch.

Making friends is a good business decision too. You fans will think it’s cool and sexy when you tweet photos of yourself hanging out with porn stars. You’ll learn about new kinks from your pro-Domme buddies. And you’ll have a wider network of people you can trust to work doubles with.

Not to mention you get to see your hot friends in sexy clothes… or no clothes… on a regular basis.

Be a good person. Be good to your communities. Be good to other sex workers.

Don’t be this asshole. These assholes don’t get invitations to the next Ho’ Down BBQ Picnic.

 

Lauren Kiley: Webcam Girl, Fetish Performer, Fetish Clip Producer, Former Escort, Activist, Dirty Girl Next Door.

Escorting, Self Care, Sex Work

Staying Grounded As An Escort

It’s hard to stay grounded, you can easily get wrapped up in our job and with many other jobs (think lawyer or member of the White House staff) you can lose yourself in your job. That’s not good for your escorting career, your well being and can turn you into a person no one wants to be around. It happens fast and its insidious and if you don’t take care and take steps you will find yourself being that person and climbing out of the hole you dug for yourself which is  a lot harder then avoiding the hole to begin with. As escorts we are often saying and by that I mean screaming from the roof tops that we are more then our jobs, that we are real living breathing humans with many facets. Escort activists want people to take our jobs seriously and for us not to be punch lines. Lets make that easier for them by staying grounded, sane and not feeding into the stereotype. Some simple steps escorts can take to help stay grounded

1. Have friends out side of the business

Yes, I know its hard. Its much easier to hide the the safe zone of all my friends be they online or in person are sex workers or clients. Don’t fall into that trap. Yes, other sex workers understand you better then civvies but when you wrap your self up in that flag, you do yourself and those around you a disservice. People outside of sex work have real things to offer you like making sure you don’t forget that other people have struggles and that not everything is about you. When my friend the bartender had to deal with a very bad work situation where she was sexually harassed and threatened and her rent was due I realized that my 600 buck client that moved our date to the following week wasn’t such a travesty. Yes, as escorts we have specific challenges but other people have challenges too, many harder then ours.

2. Watch the news once in a while

Watch the news so you know whats going on int he world. Not only will it help your life prospective but it has the added bonus of helping you to sound current in conversations with clients (or others). It makes you look  like you understand the world, you might even learn a few things.

3. Save money

If you have a good week, don’t go out and blow all your cash on a pair of Louboutins or Manolo’s. Seriously don’t spend your hard earned money on frivolous bullshit. Put that money away and save it. Save it for when you don’t have a good week or for when you want to take a vacation or because even though your really loving your life as an escort now, money in the bank will give you options in the future. Don’t blow that opportunity because of shoes or status bullshit like a Fendi bag.

4. Do something to expand your skills that’s not business related

Take a class, volunteer, learn a new skill. You wont always want to be a sex worker and learning new things will help you in the future. Like to write? Take a creative writing class. Love how smart your dog is, take him to agility training classes, always had a thing for numbers take a statistics seminar. Register for print making classes at th local JC, take a sewing class, a TV production class anything that will expand your horizons. It not only will help you to be present in the world but you walk away with a new skill.

5. Get a hobby

Swim with sharks, ride a horse, collect stamps, sculpt. The field is wide open when it comes to hobbies. Find something that interests you and then just do it. You’ll meet new people who you have something in common with thats not work related. You’ll  learn new things! Your new hobby is just for you to enjoy, it will make you a better person and help keep you connected to the outside world.

Jenny DeMilo: Dominatrix, GFE Escort, Fetish Clip Producer and Hypno-Domme

Self Care, Sex Work

5 Strategies for Dealing With Burnout

This is a “do as I say, not as I do” post. I basically disappeared from the internet for a while, and hadn’t even realized how exhausted I was. Like, existentially exhausted. I was incapable of doing much else besides compulsively read romance novels on my couch. It turns out that flying across the country on the regular for a few months, working 3 jobs at any given time (especially when not all of them pay!), and trying to lead a semi-normal grown up life will take a toll on the body and mind. Who would have thought, huh? Burn out is especially important for sex workers to recognize and have strategies for. Our work is especially emotionally taxing, especially with the added pressures of social stigma and shame that we bear. Many of us have to deal with it from time to time. Here are some strategies I’ve learned from NOT utilizing them. It seems like common sense, but is amazingly hard when you’re in the thick of it.

1. Recognize  – the sooner you see burn out (or sickness, depression, injury, or whatever you’re struggling with) for what it is, the sooner you can address it effectively. Not sure why you’re angry or unhappy? Check in with someone who knows you well. Jenny told me months ago that I was putting too much pressure on myself and working like a crazy person. I should have listened to her. (#ProTip: Jenny is always right, and the world would run more smoothly if people listened to her).

2. Break – If you can afford to, stop working for a while. This is much easier if you’ve managed to save some funds for just such an occasion, which I highly recommend. Doing sex work while you’re desperate or unhappy is especially miserable, and can even be dangerous. Or even just unfeasible as clients can sense insincerity and generally won’t spend as much money when you’re unhappy with your work. This is obviously not a viable option for everyone, but if you have the opportunity take it.

Stuffed Pumpkin with homemade bread chunks, gruyere cheese, herbs, lentils, and pepitas.

3. Cook – One of the biggest red flags that I’m not doing well is the loss of my appetite. Usually I can eat a prodigious amount at any given moment, but when I’m not healthy (physically or emotionally) I stop eating. Cooking, and taking the time to cook elaborate meals, is something I enjoy and forces me to take care of basic nutritional needs. I’ll be damned if I let a meal that’s taken a couple hours is going to go to waste, whether I feel like eating or not. Plus, routines can be immensely comforting, even if it’s as small as eating dinner every night.

4. Brag – Sometimes taking a shower, sending an email, or putting on pants can be a major victory in the day. And sharing those accomplishments can feel damn good. Miss Darling and I started texting each other occasionally with our achievements, and the results were pretty amazing. Knowing that someone is cheering you on can be immensely empowering. And validation of your work, no matter how small you may think it is, feels fucking great.

5. Cuddle – If you don’t have a pet, borrow someone else’s. My turtle, Walter, isn’t very cuddly, so I went to go visit the cat I lived with for several years (who now lives with my old roommate). There are scientific studies that indicate pets are good for therapy, and anecdotally I can say that it’s definitely true. Find a cuddly friend, get your snuggle pants on, and get down to some fluffy nuzzle business!

Duchess got fat over the past few years. But still as warm and purry and beautiful as ever!

 

For those more visually oriented – or need a constant reminder above your desk – I recommend this adorable poster with good advice from Annie Sprinkle. It echoes a lot of what I had to say, because this is not a new problem, but has illustrations of naked ladies to back it up.

How To Cure Sex Worker Burn Out Poster (PDF)

Lauren Kiley: Webcam Girl, Fetish Performer, Fetish Clip Producer, Former Escort, Activist, Dirty Girl Next Door.