All posts by LaurenKiley

Webcam Girl, Fetish Performer, Fetish Clip Producer, Activist, Dirty Girl Next Door. Lauren Kiley has been fighting for the rights of sex workers since her entrance into the sex business and cares deeply about her community of sex workers, no matter what their chosen discipline. Lauren doesn’t just talk the talk when it comes to helping others, she walks the walk. She puts just as much passion into helping others stay safe as she does into her fetish and web cam work. Thats a whole lot of passion! In the outside world Lauren holds an advanced degree and runs a 501 (c) 3.
Community, Sex Work

You Are Not A Special Fucking Snowflake

You are not the first person to do this. You are part of a long line of hookers and performers who have been in this industry and changing this industry since the beginning of history. You are not unique. You are not special. You’re not the first or the only. Chances are good, especially if you’re reading this, that you’re not the best, the worst, the smartest, or the dumbest either. You are not a special fucking snowflake. The sex industry can be extremely isolating. It can feel like you’re the only person in the world who is writing ads, filming smut, or fucking strangers for money. Without a community, it can feel like you’re all on your own. But you’re not. You are running a small business – not reinventing the industry. Don’t turn your entire twitter or blog into a navel gazing self-celebration. Don’t assume that your life and your work are compelling on their own. Don’t fuck over other girls. Don’t assume you can act however you damn well please without consequences. Don’t assume that you know everything. And for fucks sake, don’t get complacent.

This industry is constantly changing, with new technology, new challenges, new opportunities, and new people every single day. And it goes on with or without you. I don’t care who you are, how hot you are, how talented you are, or how even how hard you’ve worked. This industry does not revolve around you.

Don’t worry, there’s a pep talk in here. Because this takes a lot of pressure off of you. You don’t have to be the expert on everything. You get to explore and learn new things. And you get to put aside the adolescent angst that tells you no one understands you. Seriously, give it up. When you don’t think of yourself as the sparkliest, prettiest, hottest shit in the world, you can be yourself and succeed in your own game. You know what else happens? You get to tap into a community of expertise, support, and friendship.

But you have to set aside your ego. And you have to set aside your insecurities. And in case you were wondering, it is in fact blatantly obvious how intertwined the two are. Let them go. Replace them with healthy, sustainable, and flexible self-esteem. It’s better for you, better for business, and better for the whole community.

I can tell you from personal experience that connecting with other sex workers changed my life, both personally and professionally. Everything I post here were lessons I learned the hard way. And all of it was completely avoidable. When I connected with a community of sex workers it changed my attitude, my work practices, my personal life, and my day-to-day life all for the better. I talk a lot about community because it has made my life so much better in so many ways. And I want to give that back. That’s why I’m writing here.

At Fairy Whore Mother we have years of experience between us. But we also have a sense of humility and openness. We learn from each other and from others – both within and outside of the industry. And that’s how we keep going, keep innovating, and keep building. You aren’t the first. You aren’t the last. And you aren’t the only sparkling star on the market. That should be a good thing.

Lauren Kiley: Webcam Girl, Fetish Performer, Fetish Clip Producer, Former Escort, Activist, Dirty Girl Next Door.

Money Management, Sex Work

The Money Doesn’t Last

Most of us got into this industry for the same reason – Money. We want to earn a lot of it and we want to earn it quickly. Whether it’s out of necessity or pure desire, money is a powerful force, and can be intoxicating if you’re not careful.

Here’s the thing about money in the sex industry – it’s rarely, if ever, constant. You have good weeks, bad months, killer years, and rough seasons. Ideally you get a feel for the rhythms that you’re going to experience and over the long run can live relatively steadily on your income. But that takes time, commitment, preparation, and dedication. It’s a challenge that few of us rise to on the first try. An added challenge is that we can be surrounded by clients who make obscene amounts of money, and are generally expected to present a glamorous and upscale lifestyle. Whether it’s as simple as having our nails taken care of or a deeper persona we develop – it’s important to have a REAL sense of what kind of lifestyle we can afford. But before you even get to that part – you need a really simple understanding that your income is not constant. You do not earn an annual salary. You do hours of unpaid labor. And sometimes the money just isn’t there. Sometimes you can do everything right, but the night is slow, the clients are flaky, or the worst economic recession in recent history fucks with your regulars. There’s a lot that is in your control – but there is a lot that isn’t. Your income WILL fluctuate.

This is especially important for New Girls. For your first 6 months (maximum – and depends on your field – for some it’s more like 6 weeks or 6 days) you will be the New Girl. You will be the hot new flavor, and you will be exciting. Milk this time. Build a base of regulars. Enjoy the relative freedom you have to make mistakes with fewer financial consequences. And remain fully aware the entire time that you have New Girl status, which will eventually fade.

It may not fade right away. It may not fade suddenly. You might not even notice it fading at first because (hopefully) you’ve developed your own rhythm and regulars and understanding of how you work. You can tell yourself that you’re going to do everything right. You’re going to be prepared, have some money saved, and have done such a good time building regulars and having new ideas to stay fresh that the experience you gain will counteract the disappearance of the New Girl status.

But you probably won’t. Honestly, most of us don’t. And that’s ok. For most of us there’s a significant dip between when we started and then when our businesses really started to grow significantly. Here’s some ideas to minimize the damage that dip can do to your finances.

Five Things NOT To Do With Your $

  1. Extravagant shopping sprees. Treat yourself for sure, but try to keep it within reason. Better yet, make someone else take you shopping.
  2. Taking on major financial commitments based on your brand spanking new salary. Like buying a new car. Or signing a lease on an upscale apartment. Make sure you know how much you’re going to be making over a longer period of time.
  3. Getting into debt. Don’t assume you can just pay it back later because you’ll see an extra client or sign on an extra couple of hours.
  4. Quit your day job. Yes, that’s usually the point. But hold on to it for a little bit of time while you get your feet wet and figure your shit out. It takes time. Really. And this industry has an extremely high turnover.
  5. Act like an asshole and brag about or lord over all the money you make to your friends. They’ll be far less sympathetic during the rough times, and well, you don’t want to be that asshole.

Five Things DEFINITELY To Do With Your $

  1. Put some in your savings account. Put more than you think you need in your savings account. Save 30% for tax season (see #5)
  2. Pay off your debt. Just good advice in general.
  3. Invest in your business. You already bought your domain, right? Get a decent camera. Get enough supplies to last for a while – condoms, lube, whatever. Get some dungeon gear. Get some new lingerie. Get toys! And keep your receipts if you’re going to file taxes!
  4. If you have financial goals – stick to them. Saving for a house? Don’t touch those savings under the assumption you can earn it back later. Putting money away for a college fund? Leave it there. Be disciplined and it will happen.
  5. If you have trouble with any of this – hire help. Get good software. Get an accountant. Hire the Tax Domme – and especially if your income is tracked, which it will be for just about any legal area of the industry, pay your damn taxes. It’s far more expensive not to.

I’m not a financial expert. I wish I had taken more of this advice when I was new. Just be conscious, cautious, and smart. It can be feast or famine in this line of work. Don’t let yourself starve if you can help it.

***

Lauren Kiley: Webcam Girl, Fetish Performer, Fetish Clip Producer, Former Escort, Activist, Dirty Girl Next Door.

Community, Sex Work

The Real Competition Is In The Mirror

There is a prevailing attitude in the sex industry that we need to view each other as competition. This is based on the model that there is a finite amount of customers, and therefore a finite amount of money to be had*. This creates a situation that if one sex worker is making money – it’s money that could have been ours. It puts us on separate teams as it were, and isolates us in this industry even further than we already are.

I think this model is bullshit.

I firmly believe that this system benefits everyone except us as sex workers. It makes people scared to share skills or resources. It gives customers the power to pit us against one another, and that can create dangerous and unhealthy situations. Resources are not finite. Customers are not in limited quantity. And we are not each others enemies (most of the time). One sex worker’s success is not taking money out of your wallet. No one is “stealing” clients from you. Your work secrets are probably not actually secrets. And there’s a lot to be happy about in that. Most of us operate within the model that this is a business of personality. Whether the persona you are presenting is genuine, contrived, or somewhere in between, it’s YOUR persona. No one else has it, because no one else can. No one on this earth sucks cock exactly like you do. No one else on cam has your laugh. No one makes the exact same orgasm screams. No one’s hand leaves the same imprint on your client’s ass when you spank them. Whatever field of this industry you work in – there is something about YOU that your clients connect with. It puts more responsibility on us. You’re the only one who can gain your own customers. And you’re the only one who can lose your customers. Frankly, clients rarely if ever see only one sex worker throughout their lives. And that’s ok. It can be good for us. Having a community network where we share information leads to easier sharing of clients. Or at the very least access to a wider base of clients. And that means more clients for everyone! Which means more money for everyone! We can’t build that if we only see each other as competitors.

In my experience working together actually leads to more business, more opportunities, and that which we all care about, more money. It leads to cross promotion, sharing of skills, openings for parties, events, or doubles sessions, and all in all a better working environment. It’s more fun. You get to share ideas and experiences. You can laugh together about the absurdities of the industry. And you get to have positive feelings about your colleagues instead of wallowing in the negativity that this industry can breed. That said – not everyone agrees with this. And there’s some cutthroat workers out there who will not take kindly to this collective working philosophy. Don’t waste your time or energy on them.

There is only one bitch I am in constant competition with – Me. I want to one-up my production value and income every day and every month. Frankly, I don’t give a damn about comparing myself to anyone else. It’s none of my business. Literally.

*I can’t speak to work environments like brothels or strip clubs where there are in fact a certain number of clients in one night. I’ve never worked in those environments, so I don’t want to make assumptions about that side of the industry. I would love to hear from people who have about competitive atmospheres though!

 

Lauren Kiley: Webcam Girl, Fetish Performer, Fetish Clip Producer, Former Escort, Activist, Dirty Girl Next Door.

Fetish Model, References, Sex Work

Check Your Fucking References

1 Comment

Asking for References is Only Step 1…

Hopefully you ask for references before you see a client. This practice is fairly common among escorts, and for some reason less so among pro-Dommes. Another field of sex work that it SHOULD be common in is modeling or porn. It’s easy to tell who a producer or photographer has worked with, because their faces will be all over their portfolio. If you’re not sure, ask them! You probably won’t be the first, and it shouldn’t come as a surprise to them. In fact, many of them will offer a list of references on their website.

Here’s the important part. CHECK THEM.

It’s easy. Shoot the reference a quick email, phone call, text, tweet, whatever you have to get in contact with them. Here’s a sample message:

“Hi, I’m Lauren. I saw you worked with x and just wanted to know how your experience was? Thanks!”

Check them.. it helps!

Send out a couple of those to people whose work you like and respect. And you’ll not only get some ins and respect from other people in the industry, but you’ll get a good idea of what it’s like to work with or session with that person. Even if it’s something as simple as “he’s great, but always 20 minutes late” then you won’t be stressed when you’re waiting. The more information you have, the better of a position you’ll be in.

Don’t worry about bothering anyone or taking up their time. The worst they can do is not respond. And it could save you from harmful situations. This industry can be surprisingly small, and reputations are built or hurt very quickly.

It’s sad, but there are people who will want to work with you who will hurt you. Some of them don’t care about safety precautions. Some of them will take advantage of you, especially if you’re new. And some of them are just fucking assholes. You don’t HAVE to go through any of that. There is no prescribed rite-of-whore-passage regarding bad clients or shady producers. Checking references may create a few moments of social awkwardness, but it can help avoid a much more harmful situation.

Besides – I think we need to create a culture where sex workers watch out for one another. I think that aspect of the community is deeply important. None of the people I’ve worked with have minded giving references, on either side of the equation. And public interactions on the internet don’t count. Check your references privately and personally. You’ll get a more accurate picture.

References don’t always spell doom either. It’s much more exciting going to work when you know it’s going to be pleasant and fun.

References are not a foolproof system for a lot of reasons. But if you talk to people you trust, at least trust professionally, you can generally get a lot of good information. And more information gives you more control over just about any situation.

 

 Lauren Kiley: Webcam Girl, Fetish Performer, Fetish Clip Producer, Activist, Dirty Girl Next Door.